House of Bennetts

I originally posted this on October 13, 2013. Man oh man were those Beatles on to something and so was I apparently. I frequently have said, "Let go, and let God," and yet I find that I am continually working on the art of just letting it be. Of shutting it off. And as I start reading "The Sabbath" (courtesy of Vanessa's recommendation), I am already feeling a conviction in my BONES that I have to say no more often. No, I don't have time to do that. No, this is my time of rest. No, I have to do laundry (even though Skipper has eaten 20 (2-0) pairs of my underwear in the last week, I still have other clothes that need washing). And most importantly for me at this busy time, no, because I simply don't want to.

I simply want to sit and be with LB or myself without distraction and without apology. Peek does this incredibly well and not even once have I been butt hurt over her not coming to something (to be fair, 99% of the time she shows up). So even though I don't get upset at others when they dont show up, I find that I sometimes show up out of straight up guilt/obligation. Of course, I end up having a great/fine/fun/wonderful time once I get there, but then I haven't rested. I haven't just sat with myself. And this whole waking up at 5 am nonsense demands rest.

We've been conditioned, well at least I have, to think that we have to be busy to be _________ (fill in the blank: happy, successful, loved, needed...). But it's crap. It's absolute and total crap. I firmly believe that the way I was made is enough, crazy flaws and all. I am enough, I have enough.

This last weekend, I had Friday off and spent the day doing stuff around the house. Then Saturday LB and I ran errands all day. Somehow, between running errands for about 6 hours, we squeezed in two dinner dates with two different sets of friends. On Sunday morning I woke up with the stomach flu. It sucked. It was awful. But it also teaches me that I HAVE TO STOP. Stop running. Stop doing. Stop producing at some point. If I won't voluntarily stop, God will have me stop (stop, vomit, try to move and do something, vomit again... but you get the picture). Stopping and resting is important. I KNOW this and yet I stray from it allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the time.

For example, even as I am writing this post I am remembering that I have girls night tonight and then a celebration for a friend who just finished taking the bar exam Wednesday night. That's two nights in a row, right AFTER being sick, that I wont get home before 9. And then Thursday, Katie Mae and I are going to an early dinner for restaurant week. So it'll be Friday before I have a night at home... and you know what awaits me there? Freaking kitchen cabinets that still are not painted.

What I will not do is bail on pre-existing plans, but man, I need to learn the word no. This is my struggle. My people pleasing, type A, perfectionist struggle.

It's difficult for me as well because I KNOW that there are old friends, drifted away friends, who feel like I have cut them out of my life or intentionally created space. To which I want to scream (LOUDLY), "Are. You. Serious. Space? What is that? I am so busy trying to keep up with the people who actually make an effort to hang out with me that I have to start saying no to THEM. And you want me to dig into even more of my rest time to show up for you when you make no effort to meet me halfway!?" Don't get me wrong: there is nothing worse to me than knowing that there is someone in this world who does not like me (is that ridic or what?) and if any of them reached out to hang out, I would try to make it work. I want to fix everything. But fact is, I can't. I can't stop myself from being sick (besides taking better care of myself) and I can't fix people who are going to be constantly disappointed by me. When I figure this out, and I mean really figure it out, I feel like "no" will come more easily. Here's to a March filled with more No's from yours truly.

**I apologize for the over-abundance of parentheticals in this post... stream of consciousness writing will do that.