The "Florkens" on Cutting Friends Loose

Hello again House ofBennetts Readers! While our good pals are off getting married in the mountains, we are back for your entertainment. So here goes nothing…

I could have take this last opportunity on House of Bennetts to implore you to check out our blog, check all the fun links, follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and Bloglovin’ – but don’t worry, I won’t do that. Instead, I wanted to take a chance to talk about something that I think many of face as we age… cutting ties with friends that no long “suit” us.

Eekk! You’re thinking – geesh! This girl is harsh! But hear me out – as we grow older, most of us grow up a bit. I’m not saying that I’m not still irresponsible at times or that I no longer enjoy rocking out to B. Spears in the car (I am and I do!) but sadly, I believe it is a cold hard fact that we can grow apart from our friends.

I’ve found myself dealing with this situation more recently as I grow older and it’s hard. Really hard. In real life, it isn’t always as easy as drawing Jane + Jill = BFF all over your folders! You have to deal with bills, relationships, life choices, and yes, even personal viewpoints over what a “friend” should be.

The definition of “friendship” varies between people. If you think having a “friend” means having someone that you can bitch to about your life 24/7 without ever having to return the favor, but your “friend” disagrees – well that is a relationship heading for a disaster. On the other hand, if you and your friend share similar values in friendship, chances are, you’ll have a shot at actually being BFF.

Sadly, we don’t all have those same definitions. As recently as this past summer, I really had to look at the people I was surrounding myself with and make some tough choices about our “friendships.” If I found that they were more emotionally draining than rewarding (and had been that way for quite a while) I started to consider “phasing-out” that friend. Does that sound harsh? I hope not. But maybe it does…

For example, I had a friend who always had some insane drama in her life. She seriously called often to tell me she was in the hospital, or that a family member was, or that she had just been robbed at gun point, or that she had just used CPR to save her elderly neighbor, or that a friend’s ex-husband just beat her with a pipe (not making this up.) As always, I would be very concerned and drive to the hospital, or scene of the robbery or assault but would always be told that “she had handled” the problem and would see me later. After 3 years and just as many resuscitated neighbors, I began to understand that my friend had a problem with compulsive lying. I tried my best to get her help. Really, I did. I explored every channel available to me to no avail. So after a while, I just had to kind of…well, let go. It was hard. But I know I feel better without dealing with that kind of self-created drama and I hope that without someone to listen to it all, she doesn’t feel as much of a need to create it.

I’ve also been the friend that was “let go.” Right after Adam and I moved in together, my very best friend started to ignore me. It went on for weeks until I woke up one day to find that she had blocked me on Facebook. I decided to just let it go, confident that what needed to happen, would happen. About four months later, she contacted me and wanted to go to dinner. She told me point blank that she couldn’t be friends with someone who was “so happy” in a relationship at that time because she was going through a rough patch with the men in her dating life. She said we could be friends again so long as I never spoke about Adam and never made her be around him. I politely declined because to me, to be a friend is to rejoice in the ups of others as well as hold their hand in the downs.

I guess what I’m saying is this – sometimes we have to make tough decisions in order to move forward with our own lives in the way that is most beneficial to our own health and sanity. It’s never easy or pretty, but it is sometimes completely necessary.

What’s your definition of friendship? Have you ever had to “cut one loose” so to speak?

I've really enjoyed spending some time with you all this week!

*Message from Treana: BIG BIG thank you to Kate for stepping up to chat with you wonderful people while I am away. She rocks the socks... all of them. Stay tuned for a special wedding day post tomorrow morning! 

How the "Florkens" Met

Thrilled to be posting today! As recap -- I'm Kate and I blog over at the "florkens" with my husband, Adam. (Yes, he blogs with me!) We share a WHOLE lot over there... like how I didn't really enjoy our wedding, or our secret tattoos, or how I recently dropped my iPhone in the toilet. On Thursdays, I share sometimes my wardrobe makeover with the world and on Fridays we occasionally turn on the webcam, cross our fingers, and act like idiots for a bit with our Vlog! But, we do have limits, I assure you. Check out the 5 things I'll never blog about.

Still -- we've never taken time on our own blog to really explain how we met... which is something we're asked quite often. So, I thought the readers of House of Bennetts may like to hear the tale and learn a bit more about how we ended up being the "Florkens."

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You know how in movies, couples meet in the cutest ways? They always are standing in line at a coffee shop, or they reach for the last Everything Bagel at the same time... It's always cheesy but you think to yourself... "Yeaahh!"

Well, Adam and I didn't meet like that. Not even close. We met on Match.com. Now this is not an endorsement of Match in particular (although I obviously thumbs-up the whole online dating thing) but this it is a real breakdown of how everyday people meet, learn about each other, and fall in love.

Adam "winked" at me on Match.com. It's kind of like "poking" on Facebook -- completely pointless but somehow it sends a message. I decided that instead of winking back, I'd just message him. I did. It went ok. I can't say that I remember much about those messages. Honestly, I was messaging several guys on the site. When keeping the conversations in my head straight, I would use like monikers for each dude. Adam's was, "The Ginger."

 

We agreed to finally exchange numbers. We talked on the phone briefly. Mainly it was a text thing. After about a week, I decided he wasn't a weird and I asked, "So, when are you taking me out?"

Now he always tells me that's when he knew he liked me -- he saw that I was assertive, bold, and would ask for what I wanted. We decided to meet up on a Sunday afternoon at a local mexican restaurant. I almost backed out on the date because I was having "one of those days" where I just felt terrible about myself. You know how those go -- I felt fat, ugly, and could have sworn I didn't own a single cute outfit. I called my mom to tell her that I wasn't going. She said, "Kate -- you never know when you'll meet Mr. Right. This could be him." I snorted laughter and said something to the effect of, "I doubt it. But I guess I shouldn't pass on a free margarita."

I beat Adam to the restaurant. I waited for him in this little lobby thing. I kept staring at the drivers of cars as they pulled into the parking lot. I knew that when I saw "red" that he was there. I texted him, just to let him know that I was there. He said it was just a couple minutes away. When he arrived, I remember kind of being amazed watching him walk across the parking lot. This Ginger was WAAAAYY hotter than his pictures. I later found out that he was using pictures from high school and his first year in college so they were all very outdated.

We grabbed a table. We ordered. I asked for a "regular" margarita and they practically brought me a sombrero full. It was embarrassingly large. We talked. He learned that I was in law school. I learned that he was getting his PhD. He picked up the check. We didn't want to part, so we met up at a local Starbucks for coffee and tea.

We sat outside and talked more. At this point, our first date was nearly four hours long. It was amazing. He was amazing. I was in shock.

I went home that night reluctantly. I wanted to stay longer... get to know this man more. I just felt drawn to him. We had the second date scheduled within a day.

So here's the deal. We didn't reach for the same bagel, but we were both out there reaching for something...we had put ourselves "out there" reaching for each other. It's not a "cute" meeting. But it is a meeting that I wouldn't change for the world!

Hope you stop by the blog and say "hi"! We'd love to meet you!